Sarah Silverman once said, depression feels like being homesick even though you are at home. That’s what describes my current state of mind the best.
Physically, I am totally fine. More than that to be honest. Doing the Whole 30 was one of the best decisions I made this year. I am 24 days in and I don’t intend to stop after the month. Mentally speaking, it’s a totally different game though. I knew this was coming. I read so much about the psychological aspects before getting into it. The hormones, the thyroid, the whole cycle of how things used to work in my body, now has to regroup and restructure. Something that went wrong for more than 30 years, cannot be fixed in 30 days. I knew that. I just didn’t know it would make me feel like I do feel right now. Very depressed and lethargic. I know it will fade but it feels utterly hopeless when you’re stuck in this. As long as I keep myself busy, I am fine. Can anyone relate?
Focused and productive in one moment, goofy the next and totally heartbroken just minutes later. It’s coming in waves right now. What helps me most is a variation of yoga poses, I love to work and breathe through. Nothing fancy, just those that feel best to me.
Other than that, I let my body and mind feel what it needs to feel and work through it. One fear after another. Classics such as: I am a failure, someone will be breaking and entering into the new place and murder me in my sleep, the new place will never be done, I don’t have any friends, my plane to Berlin will crash, etc. Yes, it feels as exhausting as it sounds and yet I know it’s not rational. It’s not true. It’s just my body working extra hard to have my hormones balanced out. To give me a chance to live a normal, pain-free, medication-free life one day!
Netflix really helped me out here. I watched documentaries like I Am Not Your Guru and goofy movies like Year One and just made it through the three-hour-epic Ghandi. Genius. On another note, I still can’t get over the fact how impeccable the last season of GIRLS was. I mean, it was just everything I wanted it to be and boy, did it deliver!
Speaking of GIRLS, I especially loved the soundtrack of the last couple of episodes and I am currently working on a new mixtape including many of its gems. My current favorite track comes from another big show. It’s Cold Little Heart by Michael Kiwanuka which is the intro to the superb mini series Big Little Lies. If you haven’t watched it yet – run and do so!
I started reading and browsed through many books over the last few weeks. The one, I need to mention here is the one that I can’t get out of my head these days. Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone is the one I can relate to a great deal right now. Beautifully written, it captures moments of magical solitude and so much more… Read it!
Good and bad memories with the flip of a coin, a time traveling device if you will, an unintentional hint of fragrance…. Perfume can capture me and uplift my mood in an instant like nothing else can. Right now, my happy fragrance is Elizabeth + James Nirvana Bourbon. Ever since Nina sent me the roll-on, I am obsessed. I put it on immediately after having a shower and sadly it’s nearly empty and I can’t get it in Vienna. I am pulling through though and just put it on my birthday wishlist for May.
What’s currently going on with you?
(Image via kevc.co)