When I was fifteen, I had intense baby fever. Not that I wanted to be a teen mom but I loved children so much and couldn´t wait to be a mother myself. Just before my sixteenth birthday, I had another little sister. We spent so much time together and I raised her as much as her parents, that it was practically the same to me. She´s my baby girl to this very day.
Fast forward to my twenties, all I could think about was traveling the world and finding the real me and my purpose in life, though I spent a year abroad working as an aupair and loving that as well. Caring for kids always came natural to me. A few years later, I found myself in a longterm relationship and everyone kept asking about babies and tried their hardest to instill baby fever in me. It just didn´t happen. I knew I wanted kids but it just didn´t feel right.
People say if you´re waiting for the right moment, it will never happen but looking back I am happy it didn´t as I am in no way striving to become a single mother by choice.
So here I am, a 32 year old working city gal by heart who´s about to embark on a new journey in life and building my own career from scratch. If I could talk to my fifteen-year-old self, she would be furious with me that I wasted a lot of time in the wrong place and that I am not already a mom by now. But honestly, my fifteen-year-old self wasn´t that fearless and independent and driven as I believe I am now. What did she know?
Within the last couple of years the save-the-date´s and baby parties multiplied and now I am the last one among my (local) female friends who´s not a mother. Honestly, I am fine with that and I wouldn´t have it any other way right now. Still, lately I am finding myself thinking about IF I will ever have kids and not WHEN!
Witnessing my friends hovering over their kids – being stressed out all the time, financial struggles included, and sometimes they are morphing into uber-moms and I don´t even recognize my dear old friend beneath all the baby stuff – makes me feel lucky and free when it comes to my personal life including sleeping in on weekends, spontaneous brunch dates or even spa trips. Just to know I could do that in the blink of a second without enlisting anyone´s help is pure bliss to me.
My clock should be ticking though, I should at least thinking about freezing my eggs according to my doctor, but I don´t. Right now I don´t know if I would ever use them, what my decision might be in the end. Right now I am happy to be a kick-ass aunt and babysitter and even happier when I am doing me… I don´t believe that´s wrong even though I can see others rolling their eyes because it´s weird that I don´t have at least one child by now. or – gasp – might not have kids at all!
Nope. Just checked. No guilt.
What about you? Have you already decided if you want kids or not or how many? I am curious, please share!
(Photo courtesy of Amundn)