Underneath: Me Against The Mirror

– Update: Before and After Pics – 

I wanted to write this post forever. I did actually a few times in my mind, I never put it in writing though. I am very good in postponing things. But I actually only do it if there is a better cause.

So I really really wanted to blog yesterday but I had to clean the apartment and then of course I was too tired and I had to thumb through my Glamour magazine and as soon as Mr. Kiss was home I had to watch a movie with him because I promised. Busy me. So much to do, so little time.

This morning I was in the mood for doing laundry but I didn´t stop by washing the usual clothes and stuff. No. I just finished washing small carpets and even our curtains (which I rarely do I have to admit). Seems like Spring cleaning overdose!

So picture this: Right now the windows are wide open and the air already smells a bit like summer and sun. The light in the apartment has something soft and calm and it smells so crazily good of fresh linen…..Ya, don´t be jealous!

Well, I am sitting here in front of my computer, next to me a cup of lemony Earl Grey tea and a glass of green juice just as I like it.
The apartment is clean and nice and I feel very much at peace with myself. It would be the perfect moment to have Ricotta Pancakes, that would be the icing on the so-called cake. But I don´t want to sound ungrateful.

I want to be honest and finally blog about what I wanted to forever. I came across the image above a while ago and I couldn´t help myself but to keep it and make sure to put it in a post some day. Today.

The thing is, this is me – no seriously – this is exactly how I feel/felt for ages.

Last August when I was my teeniest tinyest (as Miss Tracy would say) minus 33 lbs, everyone was telling me how great I looked (and I mean EVERYONE: neighbors, the woman at the grocery store, even random people on the street).
I always smiled politely and mumbled something like “Thank you” before I just turned around and tried to get away from that awkward situation.

BEFORE: July 2007 in Madrid – 232 lbs (next to my gal T.)
AFTER: August 2011 in Vienna – 190 lbs

I know you might think now that this is normal for someone who lost a lot of weight but actually it is not.
The thing is I DIDN´T SEE IT. I didn´t!
We took pictures, measurements, the things that you do to proof how many inches you´ve lost and how toned you look but still, I didn´t see any change.

To me even though I finally fit in those skinny pants – and to be perfectly honest they started to get loose already – I didn´t see any difference. I felt fugly and flabby and was body-conscious to a level that was not healthy anymore.

Yes I rocked those jeans with a white tee and I liked the feeling that this simple outfit finally fit – no love handles bulging over the top of the pants, no bra-fat thank you very much). I even recognized my face transforming from roundish to kind of pointed and shapy around my chin.

I SAW that but I didn´t VISUALIZE it if that makes any sense. Does it?!

Mr. Kiss was getting frustrated because I couldn´t be happy and confident about my success (and if you´ve followed my journey so far, you know that I did work hard for this!) but when I was looking in the mirror I only saw that girl prior to the 33 lbs weight loss. The chubby, fat, un-toned one.
Well, then I injured my knee and the rest is history.

Recently I came across an article about how women struggle to find themselves, to define their new self-image after living years in a body they didn´t want and now not feeling that they deserve to feel good about themselves.
I agree that weight loss starts in your mind, long before a newly adapted diet or workout. It starts by what you think of yourself and even how you´ve been raised (what was your role in your family?) Think about it!

From the point of shaping your body, it does make sense that if you are overweight you first have to lose a good amount of fat and start to develop muscle before it will be shown off.
All the TAMers outthere know that you instantly feel those accessory muscles building underneath, even though you might not see them you definitely can feel them.

So this time around I am prepared! I know that as soon as I got rid of the re-gained weight (around 15 lbs) I might not look much different BUT as long as I feel that there is this healthy, muscle-bound body underneath I just need to keep going AND then it WILL show off!

This is the vow to myself. 

Do you feel like your perfect body is hiding underneath? Did you struggle with your self-image? Please share!

Food for thought. Happy Friday :)

(Image from Gold´s Gym via mass1ve)